Creating Change In Unhealthy Relationships

Between stimulus and response there is a space. In that space is our power to choose our response. In our response lies our growth and our freedom.

Victor Frankl

We don’t end up in one bad relationship after another by mistake or accident. We also don’t end up in a “good relationship” by mistake. It needs to be a choice.

We need to consciously acknowledge all the things that were wrong with the dynamics and abuse of our relationships and consciously choose differently when we look for a new partner.

When you are experiencing ongoing abuse in a relationship – you tend to look forward to its potential. You think about how you can fix the problems.

All our focus is placed on the things that can be ‘fixed up’ in the other person (whether they want to fix themselves or not). We become so (obsessively) focused on “them” that we do not even know our own feelings. Even when the relationship ends, we still look at it from a faulty perspective telling ourselves – I couldn’t fix it, I just couldn’t’ handle ‘xyz’ about that person so I had to end it. We in turn begin feeling unworthy, unlovable, I’m not suitable for that person and other self depreciating stories. Or even worse, we are left with feelings of guilt and shame so much so that we end up staying thinking we can fix it because it is all our fault.

It is not about you attracting toxic people. Toxic people attach to anyone they can. The key is to learn how to let go of toxic people.

People say you can grow and learn so much from these destructive relationships but there is not a lot of positive you can learn from being hurt over and over again. The only real positive you can take is knowing how strong you really are.

Gaining knowledge and building inner qualities comes only from a place of love, not pain.

When I realised I was in a trap of serial relationship disasters, the first thing I did was begin to shift the focus back to myself. I needed to firstly heal from the compiling trauma of abuse, then I needed to dig deeper into understanding myself, shifting the focus onto my values, my goals, and being self-aware.

At first I was overwhelmed by so many feelings that I felt numb. I didn’t even ‘know’ my own feelings. This is where we can be at risk of prescribing ourselves with painkillers such as alcohol, drugs, too much internet and other vices to ‘fix’ our emotional pain. So it it wise to reach out for support.

Acknowledging your own feelings and valuing yourself without trying to change or contort yourself to make others accept you is going to move you into a space of self-love.

From this space, we heal and re-align our focus back to what really is important and that is- what is in our highest good.

The question is “what would ‘love’ want me to do”?

If we are committed to changing the old and sometimes lifelong patterns and creating new ones it will be uncomfortable at first. Growth only comes from being uncomfortable until the new way of being is the ‘new’ comfortable.

There is a learning process in being around people who can fulfill your needs and desires. Often people will dismiss the ‘potential partners’ by saying things like “well I’m not attracted to him” or “there is just no chemistry”. They then retreat back to what feels familiar – another abuser.

When we know differently, we choose differently.

We can choose not to abandon ourselves anymore, and choose love over needing to feed off of others and sacrifice ourselves and what is important to us.

When we choose to prioritise our values and our self respect then we choose better for ourselves and influence the choices we make for ourselves in the world.

If this article has raised any issues for you that you would like support in dealing with, contact me through www.olivetherapies.com or email info@olivetherapies.com